I’ve been trying to finger what it is exactly that has had me on an emotional roller coaster. But it’s been peculiar because I haven’t actually been moody. I know I’ve been engrossed with all things Rob Pattinson and I think I know why now. (well besides that he is the hottest dirty British man I’ve never met haha).

Some years ago, in 2002, I met a guy, his name was Francisco Martinez. or Frank, as he was affectionately called. I met him online, playing Team Fortress Classic. I was 15 at the time, kinda naive but very very smitten by this man. He was Puerto Rican, funny, brillant, talented and a jerk sometimes. (It’s okay, He knew it) We “dated” for three or so months and he drop me like a hot potato. It was unexpected and it hurt. Honestly, he was very important to me. I sulked the whole summer (Dumped me on Fourth o July). He then informed me he was joining the army (he’d swore he’d never consider it) and off he went to boot camp. He had a new “interest” so to speak before he left. So imagine my surprise when I got a phone call from a familiar number,  a number I hadn’t seen in over 4 months. It was him, and I was sooooo happy to hear from him. Thinking about it now, I am so shocked and felt so special that he called me, when he wasn’t even suppose to use his cellphone. Well he did his boot camp and then was sent off to Korea. Around this time was when I became smitten with Marcus and that whole thing happened. He talked to me on and off and I could see he was becoming a different person. Whether good or bad, I am not so sure, but I knew he was somehow different. Eventually he began to talk to me more and more and we slowly became friends again. It was around that time that I began to mention about Marcus and he never really gave me any hint that it was a problem. Then he brought it up one day, comical even, and said he didn’t know how he felt about me dating one of his good friends. I told him I don’t know how I felt about him dumping me for another girl. It was a stand still. Then, before he was shipped off to Iraq, he had a long layover in L.A., where I lived at the time. Since I never met him face to face, and my dad absolutely adored him, My dad let me, at 11PM, go visit this man, this man I owed a lot to. I saw him, I hugged him, I laughed with him. I never imagined that’d be the first and last time I’d ever get to enjoy these moments with him. Shortly after, he went to Iraq, we had intermittent communication but enough to know that we were good, we were friends, even closer to being good friends again.

So here is where things bother me. a lot. I vaguely remember a conversation where he says he forgave me for dating his friend. Of course, this was his idea of a joke but it made me kind of sad, sad that I had almost intentionally meant to hurt him by dating Marcus. He laughed it off and said he really was happy he had something to do with us. I smiled, though he couldn’t see, and plotted with him the next time we’d meet and that I’d kick his ass. The last day we spoke was Valentines day. He was sending his new girlfriend (who wasn’t so new) a bouquet of flowers. I teased him, saying he never did that for me (which he actually did..), he said he really loved this new girl, that he wanted to settle down once he came home. I wished him luck, wishing him happiness. He was very close to being my best friend.

Then he was killed.

and sometimes in my head, I feel like even though he hadn’t expected any type of apology, it was too late to even try to apologize. For doubting him, for hurting him (though I’ll never know if I did) and mostly for not, to this day, forgiving myself. I think that’s it. I haven’t forgiven myself, and it KILLS me. I don’t honestly think there would be any other outcome for him, to join the army and go to Iraq, no matter what he would have done. I just..miss him. I miss having a best friend like that. I guess I’m one of those people who really enjoy hanging out with guys, because they offer a new perspective and they usually don’t act like little pansies and not talk to me for no reason.

So overall, lately, I’ve been feeling like crap. I need a best friend. I need someone I know won’t judge me, won’t get mad at me for “being gone” with Marcus. I’m so use to have guy friends who were like big brothers to me. Ever since I was young, and now I have no one. I have Marcus and he is my best friend by all means of the word, but it’s not the same. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel so silly for saying I need a guy best friend but it’s a peculiar feeling. One I can’t shake. Ugh. I just am now beginning to feel incredibly … drawl. Is that a word? I don’t know but I feel like that word sounds.

Ugh take my angst pleassssse! Someone.

.anyone.

So Marcus and I lack self control. There it was, lingering in our faces and we couldn’t resist the urge…

….TO OPEN OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS THREE DAYS EARLY.

Yeah, we fail, but whatever! We started by just opening one, and then one turned into two and then all of them. I am actually pleasantly surprised by Marcus’ choices for me. He bought me a matching set of robe, slippers, socks, eye mask from Bath and Body Works and they are soooooo soft. I almost died. Then he got me an awesome backpack. I wanted a backpack that I could stuff my things in for my trip to Boston. It has a bajillion pockets, a spot for my laptop, its roomy, comfortable to wear and is just.awesome. He also got me a clock radio for my iPod. I really enjoy that darned thing. Though I think it’s a bit too high tech for me because I spent like 30 minutes trying to figure out how to set the damn time. He also got me Call of Duty 4 which is my favorite franchise.EVER! So I think he did pretty well for me

So what did I get him? I know I mentioned on here and on Twitter that I got him the most awesomeness of gifts, and I was so right I got him a sword from the Anime Bleach. It’s owned by a character called Hitsugaya Toushiro. He ADORES it. He was so shocked and speechless. He really appreciate that I got this sword for him. Yeaaah he owes me I also got him some wii stuff, clothes (mostly winter clothes) and some books. We did good this year

So remember some time back I said I needed to develop some hobbies offline? Well, I decided that I want to get serious about playing the guitar and piano. I might have had a less than embarrassing motivator but I honestly had this pint up inside me for awhile. I really want to learn both instruments. I don’t think, nor do I wish to “go anywhere” with it, but it’s always fun to have a few talents, not to mention, if I do become “good” I might perform for fun or post them on youtube…LMAO!

My other hobbies, crocheting and knitting, are still there. I am working on a scarf, which omg is taking forever. I never thought it wouldn’t take a long time, but geez! My poor wittle fingers are so sore! and I only have 6 rows. But I haven’t picked up the knitting needles again yet because last time I got so frustrated I vowed to not touch them again until I could concentrate just on knitting, But it’s still fun and I still enjoy it,

This was a decently long post. ^_^

I am very upset with you. Something about you is making my brain crazy enough to write a fan letter to you. a FAN LETTER. I have not wrote a fan letter since I was probably 10 and it was to Jonathan Taylor Thomas who made my insides feel like you’ve made me feel.  I am not the average fan. I don’t fancy calling you RPattz (Read it fast it looks like Bratz..so no), Spunk Ransom just sounds silly and your stage name, Bobby Dupea, I don’t even know I know how to pronounce Dupea. But I resort to calling you Rob “Gawd you make me melt” Pattinson. I will admit, I did not know who you were prior to Twilight (HE was Cedric Diggory!?!?!) It was almost like in High School when someone does something outrageous to get your attention and then you realize, oh shit, you’ve been there all my life.

I don’t know what it is about you, honestly I don’t. Maybe it’s because your 22? (and only 7 months older than me), or your vicously addicting voice, your unsureness in interviews, your laugh, your hair (see its not even at the top of the list!), or it could be that your absolutely gorgeous, in your own right. I am not one of these teeny boppers who yell your name to reminsice the sound you’d hear at the gates of hell, no I’ll scream on the inside thank you. I also don’t sit and write my name out “Thasanee Pattinson”, no, because I am getting MARRIED in March. I am not a twihard but I find my self googling you everyday. (NO that doesn’t constitute as stalking, I looked it up…) WHAT is it about you?!?! I’ve never met you, probably never will (did my stomach just drop?) and yet, here I am writing you a letter! Of course, I’ll write a more serious version of this, but the fact that I am even CONTEMPLATING THIS, well sheesh, I must be crazy. Oh and speaking of your VOICE, your SINGING, why does it make my heart skip a beat. Did you know I bribed my fiance into learning to play the guitar?….

ANYWAYS, So, what is the point of this letter you may ask? I am not sure, actually, maybe I’ll feel better later when I look at your picture..or not so “weird” when I listen to your songs (O HAI can you come to Flagstaff? To Sing? Under an Alias? that only I would know……) I do wish you the best of luck un your career and know you have a fan for LIFE now. What does this entail you ask? Well you get someone who will always watch your movies, past and present, someone who won’t scream at the mention of your name, someone who probably might shriek when they first meet you (Oh gawd, please let that be…) but won’t lose her cool and actually have a decent conversation with you (none of that OMG DO YOU REALLY SPARKLE? OMG SIGN MY PANTIES..), I won’t stalk you, (because I’m not that resourceful), I’ll respect your privacy (though I might be curious to see who you date…), I’ll only dream of being your American Best Friend (yeah I’ve got this weird thing going on where I’m looking for a British BFF….) and I’ll swoon silently but thoroughly. BTW, I saw trailers for Little Ashes and even though Salvador Dali is quite frightening, I do admit you are incredibly handsome still! (Omg, is that your bare BUTT I see? Frolicking with…Javier Beltran?…) You’ve got beautiful eyes BTW. Um..where was I? Crap. Distracted watching the Little Ashes trailer.

Your Beautiful……. (GET IT TOGETHER THAS)

So, I think this concludes my letter. I understand that this might only reach the eyes of some Agent or manager or whoever reads these silly letters, but at least it’s out there, and my hope that you’ll read this letter might continue in vain. But a gal to dream can’t she?

Kindest Regards,

Thasanee Marie

P.S. Please don’t throw out the little beanie thing I crocheted. It took me a long time and I’m new at this.

So I’ve got two confessions to admit to.

1. Ok, I got into Twilight. More importantly I am into Robert Pattinson (Ya know, he’s 22?…and he sings..and plays guitar and piano…*le swoon*).  I’ve told myself this is all unreasonable and stupid yet I am completely in love with him! I feel like a 14 year old right now. I’ve managed to NOT buy anything twilight related (except the soundtrack) because if I do it’ll feed my frenzy. However, I have bought a little button that says “Team Edward”. I figure it’s inconspicous enough so that only twilight fans would know what it meant. *Le Sigh* I’ve seen the movie twice and really adore it. I’ve read the books, but I do go back and read bits of it. I really need something to distract my mind!

Which leads me to confession number 2…

2. I’ve never read any of the Harry Potter books. *flinches* Honestly, I never understood the hype at first and it was the movies that got me interested. And since it’s blasphemy that to only have seen the movies, I bought the first four books today (for under 4 bucks…I love used Book Stores) and plan to read to rid my mind of the aforementioned confession 1. I am really excited to read all the books. Especially because I bought, of course, the last book and won’t read it until I’ve read the first 6. So Off I go to reading land.

I’ve got more to blog but I had to get this out!