I was prepared to be pregnant. I was prepared for labor. I was not prepared for newborns and motherhood. No matter what the literature says, no matter what your mom says or the lady down the street, raising a newborn is a whole new experience. I’ve been a proud mama for almost 4 weeks but I tell you, it’s been extremely hard and frustrating! To add to that, no one really prepare you for postpartum depression. I suspect that I might have it or an extreme and lengthy case of baby blues but with those feelings in addition to raising a newborn, it’s tough. I don’t feel that I adequately bonded with Caden from the start which has led to my frustration. I know he is my son, and I know I love him, but I don’t feel it. Everyday is new so I am hoping that it gets better. In the meantime, I’ll be going to my doctor for PPD. And don’t even mention breastfeeding….

Otherwise, life is coasting right now. We are in the hospital for Caden for a Urinary Tract Infection. We had to be here for 14 days. It’s really really frustrating. I can’t express how much I want to get out of here and be at home. Marcus has been a tremendous help to me and I truly appreciate his help. I know he is dealing with fatherhood slightly different but I know its new and stressful for him too.

So here is my belated birth story for Caden Beware, it’s mildly TMI.

Since Sunday, 4/25 I had been having contractions, spaced at about 5-6 minutes apart and up to 9 minutes apart. I didn’t think much of it. I had an NST that Monday and went in to see that everything was fine with the baby and contractions weren’t regular enough for the CNM to be concerned. So I went home that night and the contractions were bad enough to keep me awake. Tuetsday morning I decided to go into the doctors office since I didn’t want to be sent home for the 5th time from the hospital. The CNM on call checked me and holy cow I was 5-6 cm dilated. Labor had begun! We rushed to the hospital and when I got there they were already waiting for me. I got undressed and hooked up to the fetal monitor and got my antibiotics IV in (I was GBS+). After about an hour on the machine, they took me off and said I could get in the tub, on the ball or walk around. I picked the tub, and let me tell you it was amazing. I was in there for a good hour or more. I got out and then got back on the monitors. By this time, my friends were there and we decided I’d go walking. Once I got back I got on the birthing ball. Let me just recommend that anyone who goes through labor get on a birthing ball. It was amazing in helping with the contractions.

This went on for about 5-6 hours (it was about 7 or 8 PM). I got checked again and was at 8cm. The CNM delivering me said that she’d want to break my water in about an hour or so. Once that time came around the water broke and found that little Mr. Caden couldn’t wait to have a bowel movement. There was meconium in the amniotic fluid but she wasn’t concern. By this time the contractions were much closer and stronger together. I got in the shower at this time and stayed in there for what seemed like hours. Once I got out, I felt like I needed to start pushing. So this was about 10:30PM. I pushed for 2 hours. It was the most excruciating 2 hours of my life. I got into several different positions, laying down on my back, on my sides, and on my hands and knees. Closer to midnight, the pushing wasn’t really progressing as I’d like (though there was never any talk about doing anything about it). From that point on I lost track of time but I know that between midnight and when Caden came, another doctor from my clinic came on and was advising on what to do. I had heard vaguely the word vacuum but didn’t even think much of it. At this point, I got a local anesthetic and the CNM told me she’d need to make a few cuts (I got 4 stitches). Once the cuts were made, pushing seem to come a little easier. The final minutes, I saw the neonatal team come in and everything getting ready for him and at that point I got the courage and strength to push him out.When I saw my baby boy, it was complete heaven. He was (and is) the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Caden was born at 12:42AM on his due date. 13 hours of labor, no pain meds, no intervention (unless you count the anesthetic) and my baby boy was born healthy and happy at a 8lbs 12 oz. Of everything, having a natural birth is possibly one of my greatest achievements. I don’t think anyone who doesn’t do a full natural birth or any type of natural birth is any less of a mom because its everyone’s choice what they want. It is unfortunate for those who feel they don’t have a choice but really, I set in wanting and believing myself to have a natural birth and I ended up doing so. I don’t know if it was my willpower or what but I really wanted a natural birth and I had people who supported me in that decision, including my husband who didn’t let me give in.

Well that’s Caden’s birth story and I hope that his birth will be the start of something wonderful and exciting (a week in and it already is!).

I had my son last week. (He is freaking adorable by the way hehe) and we started right off the bat breastfeeding. It was kind of tricky in the hospital due to what I believe was lack of support from the LC at the hospital. My nipples were sore and it was very painful to nurse him. In desperation we introduced the bottle and formula until I could get to a LC. The next day, the hospital LC gave me an impromptu consultation and advised to stop nursing so I could heal and to pump every 3 hours. This meant we bottle fed (though I now know there are other methods) until I was healed. By the second day I felt up to nursing him and the pain was manageable so we kept on. As of yesterday, the pain became unbearable again. Today was the “final” straw and he began to “refuse” the nipple. Actually, I think he was toying with it because he’d kinda bite down and swish it around in his mouth…Anyways.

For a good few hours I felt like a failure. Why? I have wanted to breastfeed since I knew I was pregnant it was mostly the idea that, breast milk is the best milk for Caden but ever since I actually breastfed him and got to experience this tremendous bonding it made me want to do it even more this is why i am so upset and feel like such a failure at this i feel like I am giving in too easily like I should really just suck it up and deal with the pain but it just hurts so much, you don’t even know…

So my solution as of right now? Pump as much as I can. I refuse to give in to formula because at least by pumping I can still give my son breast milk. I will still attempt to breastfeed by the breast but I’ve got to keep telling myself that I am not a bad mother if I cannot do this. No one tells you how hard it is, only that you should do whatever it takes to do it.

I keep having to tell myself what everyone is telling me…As long as I am happy and he is happy and healthy then it doesn’t matter how or what he is fed.

I think the pressure that has got to me are the breastfeeding advocates. I am not feeling any particular ill will towards these groups and people but I feel that the pressure is so great to breastfeed that there is no attempt to examine and understand everyone’s situation. To me, I AM giving my son the best possible nutrition. He is still getting my breast milk. I know I miss out on the bonding (trust me that is what tears me up so bad inside) but I feel like this is the best option for me right now. I’ve been reading a lot of exclusive pumping websites and support groups and I really feel better reading what they have to say. They include the La Leche League who actually talk about supporting mothers who “Human-Milk-Feed”. (doesn’t sound as glamorous as breastfeeding). Another is Mother to Mother which is very useful because it includes real life examples and experiences of mothers who have exclusively pumped (and some for a year or more!).

I have to feel that this is the best decision I can make and not let myself get frustrated and essentially pass that frustration to my baby.

So I finally visited my doctor again today after two weeks of freaking out about the GD. Luckily, she is really nice and answered all the questions I had. Surprisingly, we like her WAY better than the CNM. It sounds like she might be one of those old-fashioned doctors that doesn’t really go along with natural birthing and what not, but she actually answered questions I had and didn’t make me feel silly for asking them. However, I found out that the clinic I go to rotates doctors so any one of 4 doctors could end up delivering me, so I am going to rotate who I go to unless they advise me otherwise (which they advised me to rotate).

Other than that, the appointment went well. The doc said that there is a chance that I might either need a c-section or induction at 37-38 weeks if my GD gets way out of hand. I am obviously more inclined to hope for the induction. However, so far, there is no indication that it might come to that because my glucose numbers are in a really good range just with diet alone. I am hoping it stays that way and mostly, I am hoping that I can keep up with the diet and excercise. But gosh, 9 more weeks! It seems so far away but not so far away. It’s crazy!

My baby shower is this weekend and I am quite excited. Mostly, because it gives me the green light to start buying whatever I didn’t get at the shower haha. So far we have the play yard, stroller and shelves. I am going to buy the gDiapers because I am sure no one will be buying those. I am waiting on clothes and I’d rather wait until the last minute anyways because I know I’ll just buy a bunch of stuff if I don’t stop myself from doing so. I am also excited because once March gets here, I got ‘permission’ from my husband (and mom) that I can begin to start putting things together for Caden in our room. I’ve been so eager that it’s hard to stop myself sometimes. I also need to develop a plan of action for how I am going to clean the crap out of my house (literally haha). I really want it spotless when Caden arrives and it’s really hard with pets. I am not discouraged though. Worst case scenario is that I’ll have to put the dogs and/or cats (at night and when we are gone) up in one room until we move into a bigger place. The bigger thing that needs to be done is carpet cleaning though! Ugh my carpets look hideous!

I’m going to leave on this note: I really really want a DSLR.