So, we managed to catnap my cat, Artemis. He is the love of my life! We’ve had him since he was barely able to walk straight. He has the most beautiful kitty eyes! I am definitely looking forward to snapping some photos of him. (Oh yea did I mention I lost my camera at Six Flags in June?…). We also have another kitty, Ashton. My sister conned me (it wasn’t so difficult) and he is by far the cutest little thing. I absolutely love cats and my dogs are definitely getting along with him so that’s always nice. School will be starting again and I am unsure how I feel about that. I’m excited but dreading it, yet excited because it’s one step closer to being able to teach.

Well I am at least doing better about blogging. sorta. ha.

TTFN

Obviously, I hope everyone knows I’m married now I can honestly say it doesn’t feel different one bit. The biggest change I see is that Marcus and I have a great time calling each other wife and husband. We honestly get a kick out of it. As I begin to change my last name, it’s also taking a hit on me that I am “grown up”. I remember being 18 when my aunt and mom would say “You’re not Grown yet…”. And now, I can at least be treated as an adult in their eyes (albeit some drawbacks …) and in others. I am finally finding my way through this world and making a name for myself, my new self as a Mrs. Of course, with marriage comes some pressure (mostly unintentional pressure) of having children. Really the pressure comes from me and my own fears/wants and it’s really the biggest thing taking a toll on us. Of course, I want to have children (and if I had my way, we’d be tring to conceive right now), but it’s the timing and thought process that is making me hestitant. What happens if we have children? Can we still do some of the things we enjoy? Can we still enjoy vacations? Of course, in the long run, yes, we could, but it’s really daunting to think that perhaps we never will again. I don’t know. Any thoughts?

But other than that, I’ve been feeling a bit depressed lately. I’ve finally managed the courage to go to the doctor and talk to them about my anxiety and depression. I never thought I had a “problem” but it’s so persistant that I figure going to the doctor couldn’t hurt right? and it could be so many other things that are affecting me, including the lack of money, my weight, and the aforementioned regarding pregnancy. But we will see. Luckily, I have a husband who is very supportive and even said he’d go with me to my first appointment.

I love my husband

With that said, I’d LOVE for anyone who wants to, to watch this wedding live on the internet. Just go to www.littlechapel.com on March 21st at 12:30 PM PST (PST is three hours behind EST, and 2 behind MST?) and click on Guests > Make sure you are on March 21 and then scroll down and find “McGuffey…” and viola you should be able to watch! I am trying to get where I can have it playing for more than just the one time but try to be there at the time designated so you can watch!

This will be my last post until after our honeymoon, so I hope you all can watch and I will definitely post TONS of pictures and TONS of blogging when I get back!

By the way, I just want to clear things up: I am not pregnant. Apparently I never realized that people would come to that conclusion! lol So I just decided to say that NO I’m not pregnant but I sure wish I was …

Don’t worry, you will all know in due time! It probably won’t be a surprise and to tell you the truth it’s probably one of those times where people are like “Really? That was the BIG surprise?..” but it’s exciting for me and definitely something you all will know very soon!

Other than that, it got a bit stressful thinking about money. We have contemplated cancelling our cruise, but honestly, this thing was paid for in full back in January. My grandma said she wouldn’t talk to me if I didn’t go on it!! But I promise to take a lots of pictures =D

Well, the biggest thing also that’s happened. I lost A LOT of my data from my Verbatim portable hard drive. I have NO clue what happened but I was forced to format the damn thing. So of course, it erased EVERYTHING. I frantically spent all day yesterday trying any and every recovery programs I could find. So just my luck, the one that WORKS and showed all my lost files costs an arm and a leg! The cheapest it’d cost me to recover a measly 3 GB will cost me $100!! So, my lesson learned. BACK IT UP! Back up the up because thats what this HDD was and look what happened! So luckily they give you a free 1MB (freaking wimpy 1MB) and I was able to recover super important documents. But I still have ALL my photos that need to be recovered. UGH. Lame I say.

I’ve also been dying inside with this news I’d love to share with the world. However, I have to keep my mouth shut, though everyone should know what it is in two weeks =D

So over at my other blog, Renewed Revu, I am going to start putting a top ten every Thursday, that will have random top tens (like top ten reasons you should watch all the Harry Potter movies) to pretty helpful ones like the one I did today called “Top Ten Non-Alchoholic/Carbonated Beverages“. So.. Check it out!

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Saturday, I went to go pick up my dress. *long sigh* it was difficult and only because I won’t be wearing it in a month (unless I want to..). So that kind of got my mind in a bad spot and to top it off, it seemed like Marcus wasn’t doing anything for V-day (lame reason to get mad I know, but I was in a vulernable state…). So we pretty much spent Saturday yelling at each other, crying and saying mean things. It was ugly. Finally we made up and by that time it was bedtime.

Sunday, we slept in together and I had conspired to do something special for Marcus, due to the things that happened on Saturday. So I silently planned out our night. I looked up a recipe for lasagna, made him cook the cake he said he would cook (lol) and set up a romantic evening. I bought candles and cute vday flutes. We “wined and dined” and got to talk and actually eat dinner at a table and eat together. It was very nice. and the lasagna was amazing!

All in all it was a weekend to remember. For good and bad. Obviously the wedding issues are still upsetting me and I have to just kind of deal with it, for lack of a better phrase. I really hope that everything turns out okay.

and I chipped my tooth. I hate going to the dentist

Speaking of which, I told Marcus a really great valentine’s day present would be to buy me a new camera

But alas, while doing the theme stuff, I thought it might get my mind off the wedding business, and, of course, it has not. I don’t even know how to go about explaining it. It’s truly a loss to me. I know it’s not like I’m never getting married, but it sure feels that way right now. And the sucky part: I have to pick up my dress this weekend. Oh life. stab me in the eye.

I still have other projects to work on, such as healthyme.albeyo.net, the-shoe-fits.net, and renewed-revu but hopefully I can complete those tasks by the end of the week. I just really need things to focus on and hopefully these three sites can do it for me.

Off to wallow in my cramps. owe

1. Boston was AMAZING. I have a lot of pictures but I will explain what happened to them next. But it was a great trip and an awesome meeting. I had “Clam Chowda” and got to visit the aquarium and several historical places. It was so cool, I can’t even say how cool it was!

2. So, my laptop finally went to the laptop heaven in the sky. Of course, this had to be after I downloaded all my pictures to it. yay. *not* So I had to buy a new one and it rocks. It’s a Toshiba and is everything I could ask for in a laptop. But on the ways of technology, I left my camera at my parent’s house and it has truly made me go insane.

3. Marcus informed my on my way back home (Train was great fun btw) that he had quit his job. I’m not panicked this time around because we had money saved to last us at least two months. He is taking his time finding a job but hopefully he will find one soon and it will hopefully be just as good as his last (money wise).

4. My little sister got accepted into college! yay!

5. I finally found *THE* dress!

6. I’m utterly and bitterly exhausted.

Once I get all my pictures I will upload them to flickr. Also, I might post a private post soon, just some thoughts to vent, or I might head to my favorite place in the world to do it. I really had hoped this blog would be longer but I honestly am so exhausted!

Some years ago, in 2002, I met a guy, his name was Francisco Martinez. or Frank, as he was affectionately called. I met him online, playing Team Fortress Classic. I was 15 at the time, kinda naive but very very smitten by this man. He was Puerto Rican, funny, brillant, talented and a jerk sometimes. (It’s okay, He knew it) We “dated” for three or so months and he drop me like a hot potato. It was unexpected and it hurt. Honestly, he was very important to me. I sulked the whole summer (Dumped me on Fourth o July). He then informed me he was joining the army (he’d swore he’d never consider it) and off he went to boot camp. He had a new “interest” so to speak before he left. So imagine my surprise when I got a phone call from a familiar number,  a number I hadn’t seen in over 4 months. It was him, and I was sooooo happy to hear from him. Thinking about it now, I am so shocked and felt so special that he called me, when he wasn’t even suppose to use his cellphone. Well he did his boot camp and then was sent off to Korea. Around this time was when I became smitten with Marcus and that whole thing happened. He talked to me on and off and I could see he was becoming a different person. Whether good or bad, I am not so sure, but I knew he was somehow different. Eventually he began to talk to me more and more and we slowly became friends again. It was around that time that I began to mention about Marcus and he never really gave me any hint that it was a problem. Then he brought it up one day, comical even, and said he didn’t know how he felt about me dating one of his good friends. I told him I don’t know how I felt about him dumping me for another girl. It was a stand still. Then, before he was shipped off to Iraq, he had a long layover in L.A., where I lived at the time. Since I never met him face to face, and my dad absolutely adored him, My dad let me, at 11PM, go visit this man, this man I owed a lot to. I saw him, I hugged him, I laughed with him. I never imagined that’d be the first and last time I’d ever get to enjoy these moments with him. Shortly after, he went to Iraq, we had intermittent communication but enough to know that we were good, we were friends, even closer to being good friends again.

So here is where things bother me. a lot. I vaguely remember a conversation where he says he forgave me for dating his friend. Of course, this was his idea of a joke but it made me kind of sad, sad that I had almost intentionally meant to hurt him by dating Marcus. He laughed it off and said he really was happy he had something to do with us. I smiled, though he couldn’t see, and plotted with him the next time we’d meet and that I’d kick his ass. The last day we spoke was Valentines day. He was sending his new girlfriend (who wasn’t so new) a bouquet of flowers. I teased him, saying he never did that for me (which he actually did..), he said he really loved this new girl, that he wanted to settle down once he came home. I wished him luck, wishing him happiness. He was very close to being my best friend.

Then he was killed.

and sometimes in my head, I feel like even though he hadn’t expected any type of apology, it was too late to even try to apologize. For doubting him, for hurting him (though I’ll never know if I did) and mostly for not, to this day, forgiving myself. I think that’s it. I haven’t forgiven myself, and it KILLS me. I don’t honestly think there would be any other outcome for him, to join the army and go to Iraq, no matter what he would have done. I just..miss him. I miss having a best friend like that. I guess I’m one of those people who really enjoy hanging out with guys, because they offer a new perspective and they usually don’t act like little pansies and not talk to me for no reason.

So overall, lately, I’ve been feeling like crap. I need a best friend. I need someone I know won’t judge me, won’t get mad at me for “being gone” with Marcus. I’m so use to have guy friends who were like big brothers to me. Ever since I was young, and now I have no one. I have Marcus and he is my best friend by all means of the word, but it’s not the same. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel so silly for saying I need a guy best friend but it’s a peculiar feeling. One I can’t shake. Ugh. I just am now beginning to feel incredibly … drawl. Is that a word? I don’t know but I feel like that word sounds.

Ugh take my angst pleassssse! Someone.

.anyone.