I had my son last week. (He is freaking adorable by the way hehe) and we started right off the bat breastfeeding. It was kind of tricky in the hospital due to what I believe was lack of support from the LC at the hospital. My nipples were sore and it was very painful to nurse him. In desperation we introduced the bottle and formula until I could get to a LC. The next day, the hospital LC gave me an impromptu consultation and advised to stop nursing so I could heal and to pump every 3 hours. This meant we bottle fed (though I now know there are other methods) until I was healed. By the second day I felt up to nursing him and the pain was manageable so we kept on. As of yesterday, the pain became unbearable again. Today was the “final” straw and he began to “refuse” the nipple. Actually, I think he was toying with it because he’d kinda bite down and swish it around in his mouth…Anyways.

For a good few hours I felt like a failure. Why? I have wanted to breastfeed since I knew I was pregnant it was mostly the idea that, breast milk is the best milk for Caden but ever since I actually breastfed him and got to experience this tremendous bonding it made me want to do it even more this is why i am so upset and feel like such a failure at this i feel like I am giving in too easily like I should really just suck it up and deal with the pain but it just hurts so much, you don’t even know…

So my solution as of right now? Pump as much as I can. I refuse to give in to formula because at least by pumping I can still give my son breast milk. I will still attempt to breastfeed by the breast but I’ve got to keep telling myself that I am not a bad mother if I cannot do this. No one tells you how hard it is, only that you should do whatever it takes to do it.

I keep having to tell myself what everyone is telling me…As long as I am happy and he is happy and healthy then it doesn’t matter how or what he is fed.

I think the pressure that has got to me are the breastfeeding advocates. I am not feeling any particular ill will towards these groups and people but I feel that the pressure is so great to breastfeed that there is no attempt to examine and understand everyone’s situation. To me, I AM giving my son the best possible nutrition. He is still getting my breast milk. I know I miss out on the bonding (trust me that is what tears me up so bad inside) but I feel like this is the best option for me right now. I’ve been reading a lot of exclusive pumping websites and support groups and I really feel better reading what they have to say. They include the La Leche League who actually talk about supporting mothers who “Human-Milk-Feed”. (doesn’t sound as glamorous as breastfeeding). Another is Mother to Mother which is very useful because it includes real life examples and experiences of mothers who have exclusively pumped (and some for a year or more!).

I have to feel that this is the best decision I can make and not let myself get frustrated and essentially pass that frustration to my baby.

So I finally visited my doctor again today after two weeks of freaking out about the GD. Luckily, she is really nice and answered all the questions I had. Surprisingly, we like her WAY better than the CNM. It sounds like she might be one of those old-fashioned doctors that doesn’t really go along with natural birthing and what not, but she actually answered questions I had and didn’t make me feel silly for asking them. However, I found out that the clinic I go to rotates doctors so any one of 4 doctors could end up delivering me, so I am going to rotate who I go to unless they advise me otherwise (which they advised me to rotate).

Other than that, the appointment went well. The doc said that there is a chance that I might either need a c-section or induction at 37-38 weeks if my GD gets way out of hand. I am obviously more inclined to hope for the induction. However, so far, there is no indication that it might come to that because my glucose numbers are in a really good range just with diet alone. I am hoping it stays that way and mostly, I am hoping that I can keep up with the diet and excercise. But gosh, 9 more weeks! It seems so far away but not so far away. It’s crazy!

My baby shower is this weekend and I am quite excited. Mostly, because it gives me the green light to start buying whatever I didn’t get at the shower haha. So far we have the play yard, stroller and shelves. I am going to buy the gDiapers because I am sure no one will be buying those. I am waiting on clothes and I’d rather wait until the last minute anyways because I know I’ll just buy a bunch of stuff if I don’t stop myself from doing so. I am also excited because once March gets here, I got ‘permission’ from my husband (and mom) that I can begin to start putting things together for Caden in our room. I’ve been so eager that it’s hard to stop myself sometimes. I also need to develop a plan of action for how I am going to clean the crap out of my house (literally haha). I really want it spotless when Caden arrives and it’s really hard with pets. I am not discouraged though. Worst case scenario is that I’ll have to put the dogs and/or cats (at night and when we are gone) up in one room until we move into a bigger place. The bigger thing that needs to be done is carpet cleaning though! Ugh my carpets look hideous!

I’m going to leave on this note: I really really want a DSLR.

I know I know. I said I’d be good, be better…and look where it’s got me. LOL Honestly, I have wanted to blog but I just haven’t had a chance to. By the time I sit down and get ready to write, I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. Does anyone ever feel like that? I hope I’m not the only one!

So yes, I am 30 weeks pregnant. It’s a milestone for me because it means that I am just that much more close to the end. Plus, it’s nice to be 2/3 done with this pregnancy. I can’t say that I have had any major issues (except for the morning sickness in the first trimester) so there isn’t much to complain about. Except, oh yeah, the Gestational Diabetes. To be honest, I don’t even know if I have GD but my 1 hour screening test results were so high that they just bypassed by the 3-hour. If that means I have GD or not, I don’t know, but today I am going to be meeting with the Diabetic Educator so I hope I can get some answers.

So this is a two-day post haha. I went to the diabetic educator on Thursday and found out the things that I need to do. Mostly, I need to take my blood sugar 1 hour after every meal and it needs to be less than 140 mg/dL. My fasting number (first thing in the morning) needs to be under 90. So far, I am doing pretty good on the meals but my fasting number is hovering between 98-103. I am hoping I can get that under control so I don’t have to take insulin. Other wise, my diet looks something like this:

Breakfast: 30-45g Carbs

Snack: 15g Carbs

Lunch: 60g Carbs

Snack: 30g carbs

Dinner: 45g Carbs

Snack: 15g Carbs

total carbs: 210 Carbs

I have some leeway in some areas and I need to eat plenty of protein which actually counteracts the Carbs in raising my blood sugar. It’s been a crazy time to find low carb or carb alternatives . But if I balance my meals with enough protein and carbs then I am usually pretty set to go on having good blood sugar. It’s really frustrating watching what I need to eat but I know it’s for the benefit of me and Caden. I just hate feeling like I am hungry all the time. The biggest fear I have is that he will have macrosoma and I really really don’t want that to be the case because it will also means he has other issues related to high blood sugar. With that in mind, I am terrified about getting birth if he were to be big. I want a natural birth but I also don’t want to push myself to have one if its not going to be in my best interest or his. It’s something I’ll have to deal with but I am not as stressed as I was earlier in the month.

I think it’s time to post a recipe soon. Especially a low-carb one. I’m making Beef and Broccoli for dinner tonight and I am literally salivating just thinking about it!

Question of the Day:

What’s your biggest challenge right now?

So today I am 26 weeks pregnant, with 14 weeks to go (OMG). I think the biggest things that have been bothering me lately:

• Uncomfortable sleeping. I can’t sit still in one position throughout the night. Poor Marcus.
• Peeing every five minutes. Literally
• Waddling. I really really really don’t mean to but it just happens.
• Constantly having runny noses or teary eyes. It gets old, real fast.
• I eat. a lot. and often.

Other than that, I feel great! It’s not hitting me yet that in less than 3 months I am going to be a mom, holding my son for the first time! It’s really surreal. Having said that, I have been doing a lot of reading on birth, labor, postpartum, etc, and I am really embracing new ideas and techniques. I already know I’m breastfeeding exclusively, going to baby-wear, do a staggered vaccine schedule and probably most on my mind is the birth/labor. My plan is to do it natural. However, I can’t guarantee that because I really don’t know whats going to happen once I am in labor. I really DO NOT want pitocin because I do not want to inevitably get an epidural but I am still weighing my other options. I also am going to request that right after Caden is delivered that we have some time to bond with him before they whisk him away for weighing and measuring and what not. Other than that, I am pretty confident that Marcus and my mom will look out for the best interests of me and Caden taking into mind what I want and my beliefs are.

So what is the biggest issue with my pregnancy you ask? Well something that has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy: a toothache. I have had this toothache forever but it obviously has gotten worse during pregnancy because I cannot take anything stronger than Tylenol for it. So I grudgingly made an appointment with the dentist for this Friday, only it’s not an appointment but a walk-in that lasts from 7:45AM-10AM..greeeeat.So my lesson learned? Brush your damn teeth and more than once a day.