I was prepared to be pregnant. I was prepared for labor. I was not prepared for newborns and motherhood. No matter what the literature says, no matter what your mom says or the lady down the street, raising a newborn is a whole new experience. I’ve been a proud mama for almost 4 weeks but I tell you, it’s been extremely hard and frustrating! To add to that, no one really prepare you for postpartum depression. I suspect that I might have it or an extreme and lengthy case of baby blues but with those feelings in addition to raising a newborn, it’s tough. I don’t feel that I adequately bonded with Caden from the start which has led to my frustration. I know he is my son, and I know I love him, but I don’t feel it. Everyday is new so I am hoping that it gets better. In the meantime, I’ll be going to my doctor for PPD. And don’t even mention breastfeeding….

Otherwise, life is coasting right now. We are in the hospital for Caden for a Urinary Tract Infection. We had to be here for 14 days. It’s really really frustrating. I can’t express how much I want to get out of here and be at home. Marcus has been a tremendous help to me and I truly appreciate his help. I know he is dealing with fatherhood slightly different but I know its new and stressful for him too.

I had my son last week. (He is freaking adorable by the way hehe) and we started right off the bat breastfeeding. It was kind of tricky in the hospital due to what I believe was lack of support from the LC at the hospital. My nipples were sore and it was very painful to nurse him. In desperation we introduced the bottle and formula until I could get to a LC. The next day, the hospital LC gave me an impromptu consultation and advised to stop nursing so I could heal and to pump every 3 hours. This meant we bottle fed (though I now know there are other methods) until I was healed. By the second day I felt up to nursing him and the pain was manageable so we kept on. As of yesterday, the pain became unbearable again. Today was the “final” straw and he began to “refuse” the nipple. Actually, I think he was toying with it because he’d kinda bite down and swish it around in his mouth…Anyways.

For a good few hours I felt like a failure. Why? I have wanted to breastfeed since I knew I was pregnant it was mostly the idea that, breast milk is the best milk for Caden but ever since I actually breastfed him and got to experience this tremendous bonding it made me want to do it even more this is why i am so upset and feel like such a failure at this i feel like I am giving in too easily like I should really just suck it up and deal with the pain but it just hurts so much, you don’t even know…

So my solution as of right now? Pump as much as I can. I refuse to give in to formula because at least by pumping I can still give my son breast milk. I will still attempt to breastfeed by the breast but I’ve got to keep telling myself that I am not a bad mother if I cannot do this. No one tells you how hard it is, only that you should do whatever it takes to do it.

I keep having to tell myself what everyone is telling me…As long as I am happy and he is happy and healthy then it doesn’t matter how or what he is fed.

I think the pressure that has got to me are the breastfeeding advocates. I am not feeling any particular ill will towards these groups and people but I feel that the pressure is so great to breastfeed that there is no attempt to examine and understand everyone’s situation. To me, I AM giving my son the best possible nutrition. He is still getting my breast milk. I know I miss out on the bonding (trust me that is what tears me up so bad inside) but I feel like this is the best option for me right now. I’ve been reading a lot of exclusive pumping websites and support groups and I really feel better reading what they have to say. They include the La Leche League who actually talk about supporting mothers who “Human-Milk-Feed”. (doesn’t sound as glamorous as breastfeeding). Another is Mother to Mother which is very useful because it includes real life examples and experiences of mothers who have exclusively pumped (and some for a year or more!).

I have to feel that this is the best decision I can make and not let myself get frustrated and essentially pass that frustration to my baby.

So today I am 26 weeks pregnant, with 14 weeks to go (OMG). I think the biggest things that have been bothering me lately:

• Uncomfortable sleeping. I can’t sit still in one position throughout the night. Poor Marcus.
• Peeing every five minutes. Literally
• Waddling. I really really really don’t mean to but it just happens.
• Constantly having runny noses or teary eyes. It gets old, real fast.
• I eat. a lot. and often.

Other than that, I feel great! It’s not hitting me yet that in less than 3 months I am going to be a mom, holding my son for the first time! It’s really surreal. Having said that, I have been doing a lot of reading on birth, labor, postpartum, etc, and I am really embracing new ideas and techniques. I already know I’m breastfeeding exclusively, going to baby-wear, do a staggered vaccine schedule and probably most on my mind is the birth/labor. My plan is to do it natural. However, I can’t guarantee that because I really don’t know whats going to happen once I am in labor. I really DO NOT want pitocin because I do not want to inevitably get an epidural but I am still weighing my other options. I also am going to request that right after Caden is delivered that we have some time to bond with him before they whisk him away for weighing and measuring and what not. Other than that, I am pretty confident that Marcus and my mom will look out for the best interests of me and Caden taking into mind what I want and my beliefs are.

So what is the biggest issue with my pregnancy you ask? Well something that has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy: a toothache. I have had this toothache forever but it obviously has gotten worse during pregnancy because I cannot take anything stronger than Tylenol for it. So I grudgingly made an appointment with the dentist for this Friday, only it’s not an appointment but a walk-in that lasts from 7:45AM-10AM..greeeeat.So my lesson learned? Brush your damn teeth and more than once a day.